Romance Sans Paroles
by The Angel of the Lion
Summary: (Romance Without Words) One year on, Squall Leonhart defines the past, present, and future of his relationship with Rinoa.


Romance Sans Paroles

"Romance Without Words"

Sometimes, I look back on the events of the past year or so, and when I do, I laugh.  I know that might seem strange at first, the thought of me, Squall Leonhart, laughing, but believe me, I do.  Occasionally, I laugh about how clueless I was back then, but I guess you could argue that we all were.  I mean, we were just a gang of teenagers thrown out into the world, expecting to know exactly where we were going and how we'd get there.  However, most of the time, I laugh at how ironic my life has been.  I was always told that I'd never get anywhere because I didn't have a way with words.  Come to think of it, that's a massive understatement.  I can't remember even having a proper conversation with anyone until I started arguing with Rinoa in Timber.  I guess that's one thing you can say about her, she always got me to express my feelings, even though, at first, they weren't particularly positive ones.  Can you really blame me though?  I mean, I'd reached my seventeenth birthday without talking properly to someone, I couldn't be expected to become a master at it overnight.  Even now, I try to get out of meetings and conferences as much as I can, and I still avoid the press like they've got the plague.  Sure, I do talk, just not to people I don't know or don't like.  Ever since we defeated Ultimecia, the world's been a much more peaceful place, and believe me, Garden, in peace time is not the best place to be.

Maybe, it's because I never knew peace before.  I grew up just after the Sorceress War.  Nations were still dealing with the fallout when I turned sixteen.  There was always somebody willing to pay SeeD to carry out little jobs, dealing with uprisings, reconnaissance missions and the like.  Then, when Galbadia invaded Dollet, the whole world was plunged headfirst into war.  After Ultimecia, though, nothing.  SeeD isn't really a military establishment anymore, it's more a branch of the various governments from all the continents.  As Commander, I tried to stop it.  I have always believed that SeeD should remain independent.  I know that there are many people who look down upon mercenaries, disgusted at the idea that there are soldiers who are just fighting for the highest bidder.  That's a common misconception amongst outsiders.  I know for a fact that Cid only accepted contracts from those fighting for a just cause.  Money wasn't the factor, just something needed for Garden to survive.  After all, Cid accepted a contract for the Forest Owls.  Back then, I knew they were only a small resistance group, but I had no idea how little money they actually paid us until recently.  Enough for one SeeD's weekly wage.  And still, we accepted the mission.  That's how little the money really mattered.  

And now, without any jobs coming in, we are forced to accept money from governments in return for favours.  Now those, I really don't want to go into details of.  Hell, I'm not even supposed to know the details.  Funny, isn't it?  I'm the Commander of Garden and they just expect me to dispatch SeeDs to them without me knowing what they're actually doing.  I know for a fact that officials paid these SeeDs to keep quiet about their missions, but their loyalty to me was underestimated.  In the eyes of the governments, I'm nothing but a glorified accountant for SeeD, not knowing where, or who, the money's coming from.  They don't know the half of it.

They don't know me.

Ironic isn't it?  When I killed Ultimecia, I effectively killed SeeD, or at least it changed beyond recognition.

Which brings me back to my original point, _irony._

Irony that I was earmarked for failure because of my lack of linguistic skills, and here I am, much more successful than the tutors that had told me I would never make it into SeeD.  Not that that's what I care about any more.  Now, it seems all too trivial.  No, the real irony is that, in the truly important, life altering moments that I've experienced, words were never needed.

Sure, when I carried Rinoa across the bridge to Esthar, I was talking.  Hell, I was pouring my heart out to her.  That was the most comfortable I had ever felt talking to anybody, and I know that it was only because she couldn't hear me and didn't have a clue was I was saying.  I knew that at the time, of course, but felt I had to tell her something.  For not giving up on me, I thought she deserved to hear it.  Still, I know that it wasn't the words that were important.  I felt something for her then and it didn't have a damn thing to do with words.  That was the time when I realised I love her.  And you know why?  Because I didn't feel obliged to try and start a conversation, because I didn't feel that I had to talk rubbish about some meaningless subject like the weather.  It was just us.  No awkwardness, no expectation, just us.  And that was when it hit me.

And I'm thankful it did.  Without it, would I have gone out into space to save her?  Maybe, but I can't know for sure.  It's like asking myself if I would have jumped out after Zell, I don't know the answer and it's not something I want to spend my time pondering.  I do know that I loved her before that, I wouldn't go so far as to say love at first sight, I don't believe in that, but I was attracted to her at the dance.  That's not such a bold statement though, I'm guessing by the jealous looks that I got, that half of the room were also attracted to her.  Either that, or they were looks of sheer disbelief at the fact that Squall Leonhart was dancing.  To be honest, I was in disbelief at first.  What the hell was I doing dancing with a total stranger?  Admittedly, she was an attractive stranger, but still, I did question myself.  I was going to leave her half was through the dance, dismissing it as a momentary lapse of reason, but something stopped me.  There was a little nagging voice saying, _she's different_.  I had to agree.  Not once did she gush over me like most of the other girls at Garden did, throwing compliments at my feet and generally fawning over me.  Sure, she did say that I was the best looking guy there, but I got the feeling that she was joking.  After all, I'd never heard that one before.  I'd often get, _you beat Seifer in training last week.  Wanna go on a date?_  Not to mention, _Instructor Trepe says you're going to be an A grade SeeD soon.  Make out with me?_  That made me so angry.  They didn't have the right to treat me as some stupid trophy they could gloat to their friends about.  I guess part of my agreeing to dance with Rinoa was to get my own back on them.  I know that sounds selfish and arrogant, and believe me, I would never do anything like that now, but back then, it seemed like a good idea.  And I enjoyed it to boot.  I actually enjoyed it and I didn't even know her name, maybe the one regret I hold about that night.  I'm just glad I got a second chance at that.  

At the ball to celebrate the defeat of Ultimecia, I just couldn't resist it when they played Waltz for the Moon, and this time, I knew more than her name.  That whole night was surreal.  I still have to pinch myself to make sure it wasn't a dream.  After the dance, I had to leave her to talk about some business with Cid, and I found her again on the balcony.  I knew that if I spoke to her, I would probably say something completely inappropriate or just plain stupid, so I kissed her.  I know I'm making that sound less romantic than it was, truth be told, it was the most wondrous moment of my life, but I only did it because I couldn't think of any words to express my feelings for her.  The kiss said it all.  It was the only way I had of letting her discover how I felt about her.  Come to think of it, that kiss must have been a lot more passionate than I thought, because the next thing I knew, we were both in my dorm, and, well, I think you can guess where this is going.  I don't think we said one word to each other that night.  We didn't have to.  There was no need for us to reassure each other about how we felt, we just knew.  The following morning, I lay awake watching her sleep, thinking about how lucky I was.  I thought about what life would be like with her, and how happy we would be at Garden together.  That was the first time in my life I uttered the words, _I love you_.  I didn't even have to, she knew I loved her, but I felt I had to say it, just in case.  

That morning was perhaps the start of her unhappiness.  She was seen leaving my dorm, early, wearing the same clothes as the previous night by countless numbers of cadets.  That was when the rumours started that she was easy.  I know they hurt her, they hurt me too, but after a while, they died down.  When people began to realise that we were going to stay together, they saw that night for what it was, an expression of true love and intimacy between two people destined to be together, not some alcohol induced fumbling between the sheets that was to be regretted in the morning.  Trust me, I could never regret that night.

The real regret that day was that I had to work.  The first thing you have to understand about the job of Commander is that you don't get any holidays.  The second thing, is that while you're stuck up in your office all day, you're oblivious about what really goes on.  

If only I had been there… 

That was the day when the first rumours began to filter through from Esthar.  The rumours that Rinoa Heartilly was a sorceress.  That morning, a few whispers could be heard flying around the halls.  By the end of the day, it was common knowledge to all, including the cleaning ladies.  I only found about it when one of them came into my office, began hovering, and casually said, _so I hear your girlfriends a sorceress._

I froze.  I hadn't planned for that.  As soon as I regained control, I replied, _don't be ridiculous.  _What else could I say?  I could hardly have said, _yes, but do you mind keeping this to yourself?  It's kind of on a need to know basis._  It was then that she told me what I had feared the most.

_Really, well she didn't deny it._

In hindsight, that was a fatal mistake, but one that couldn't have been avoided.  One of Rinoa's most endearing qualities was that she was always honest.  Whilst I would lie to anyone and everyone, and more often than not, myself, she would tell the truth, not matter what the consequences.  It's strange to think that it was honesty that brought so much sadness and pain upon us.

I ran to her as soon as I found out.  I didn't care who saw me tearing through the corridors and I certainly couldn't care less at the number of Garden conduct rules I was breaking.  They could go to hell for all I cared.  I found her in my dorm, crying her eyes out.  It was the only place she could have run to, after all, nobody would even think about breaking in to my room.  I tried to comfort her, but to no avail.  Everybody knew her secret and she was afraid.  

So was I.

The great Squall Leonhart was afraid.

I was afraid that they were going to succeed in making her life a living hell.  They almost did.  

Sometimes, I have nightmares about what would have happened if I hadn't have been there at the beginning, to walk her down the corridor.  Nobody dared to say anything when I was there.  They might have despised her, but I was still their Commander and they respected me for that.  I can only thank Quistis, Zell, Selphie and Irvine for their efforts to dispel the rumours that she had bewitched me, a rumour that I myself, never heard, probably because the cadets in question knew what I would have done to them if I had caught them.  

In the end, things did get a little better.  Life at Garden was peaceful, which was a godsend.  If anything bad had happened, I know that they would all have blamed Rinoa, and then what?  Would she be forced to leave in disgrace?  Would she be lynched by the students acting as an angry mob?  All I know is that I would have followed her to the end of the earth.  I meant what I said in the flower field.

_Even if the world becomes your enemy, I'll be your knight._

I just prayed that that day would never come.  It frightens me to think how close that day might have been.  

As it was, the whispers and the gossip continued, but there was no direct action against her being in Garden.  She was just beaten down further and further by the comments that were directed at her.  She would grow more and more unhappy each day.  

And that was partly my fault.  Cooped up in my office all day, I might as well have been in another world.  I could never truly know what was going on down on the ground, I relied mostly on Selphie to relay the information to me.  What I heard hurt me as much as it hurt her.  After all, she is a part of me now, I could never be without her.  

But still, even though I knew this was happening, I did nothing.  I felt powerless.  After all, how do you fight an enemy that you can't see or touch?  How was I supposed to destroy the stereotype of the evil sorceress intent on gaining ultimate power?

I waited and I waited, hoping against hope that it would all go away.

Last night, I finally faced up to the truth.  Situations weren't going to change, and in the end, it would have destroyed her.  The realisation finally dawned on me that this was no longer my home.  A home is somewhere that you feel safe and secure, not somewhere in which you're constantly having to look over your shoulder, afraid that somebody will sooner or later stab you in the back.  Garden _had _been a home to me at one point, but not anymore.  My home is with her, and they will never accept that.  So I came to the only decision that I could.

I'm leaving.

I woke her in the middle of the night to tell her, I didn't want her to have any more nightmares about her being driven from Garden by a proverbial witch hunt.  I wanted her to feel safe with me and here, I don't think she will ever be able to here.  That was the first night in a long time that I had slept, free from all my worries and pain.  Leaving would set me free.

This morning, I saw something that made the difficult decision more than worthwhile. 

_She smiled._

Not the faked, wistful smiles of late, but a _real _smile.  It was then that I realised I should have done that a long time ago, instead of just prolonging the agony in the misguided hope that everything would get better.  It set my mind thinking to other things that I had put off until a distant time when she would be accepted at Garden, which brings me to this very moment in time, one year after the defeat of Ultimecia.  

I am on the balcony, where it all began one year ago today.  I smile at the memory.  A lot has happened since then, but we still feel exactly the same way for each other.  I notice her pointing at the sky, as a shooting star streaked through the night sky.  It was as if nature herself remembered that it was precisely a year on.  

Last time we were both stood on the balcony, alone, I leaned over to kiss her.  This time I knelt at her feet, holding out a ring towards her.  This was what I had been delaying until I felt that people at Garden would accept her as the Commander's wife.  When I realised that the time would never come, I saw no sense in delaying it further.  

She looks down at me, pure joy seeming to emanate from her.  I silently slip the ring onto her finger, allowing her to admire it in the moonlight.  

And still, I said nothing.  It seemed rather futile to try.  It wasn't as if I was just asking her to marry me.  I was asking her to escape from the rest of the world with me, to be with me forever, to settle down somewhere, just the two of us.  I was asking her to forget about the past and focus on the future.

_Our future._

She looked deep into my eyes and kissed me.  She had never even said yes.  She didn't have to.

_Words cannot be powerful enough to describe our feelings for each other._

_For Dan, because it's almost been two years, and because you're so awkward to buy a present for._

Disclaimer-I don't own Final Fantasy 8 or any of the characters.  The title is Romance Sans Paroles, a beautiful piece of music by Gabriel Faure.

I would like to thank Ashbear for being such an inspiration.


End file.
